Tag Archives: Wham

The Worst Christmas Song Ever

Well, it’s been about a year since I’ve been on here.  I’ve had another blog where I tell travel stories.  You should check it out.  But I haven’t been much in a writing mood lately, so while I do have thoughts about the year, I don’t know if they will ever make it up.

What I do know is that last Christmas, I came to deeply loathe a prevalent Christmas “classic”.  The lyrics make no sense to me, and I have spent too much time mulling them over in my mind and coming up with a logical explanation for their meaning.

I’m not talking about “Baby It’s Cold Outisde” or “Christmas Shoes” or any other admittedly worthy possibilities for the title of “Worst Christmas Song Ever”.  I am, of course, thinking about Wham’s hit “Last Christmas.”

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart/ But the very next day you gave it away/ This year to save me from tears I’ll give it to someone special

This is the chorus to this awful song.  Let’s see what we can tell about the story from this chorus, shall we?

The first two words, “Last Christmas,” could be taken two ways–the season or the day.  It seems to imply the last Christmas season.  If you said, “Last Christmas we had a really good office party,” you don’t necessarily mean Christmas day.  But the very next line says “The very next day…” which implies that we’re talking about Christmas Day itself.

So on Christmas Day itself, this guy gave this girl his heart.  On Christmas Day?

What does this tell us about the narrator?  Normal people spend Christmas Day with their families, so how is it that he is with some girl with whom he does not yet have a committed relationship (he’s just now giving his heart) on the actual Day of Christmas?  I see only three possibilities:

1) He’s an orphan.  Yes, this is the sad tale of an orphan, living in an orphanage with no family whatsoever to spend the holidays with.  There’s a girl he has a crush on in the orphanage, and they’re both there on Christmas day, lonely souls in need of companionship.  He gives her his heart then.  Who knew that George Michael could weave such a melancholy and bittersweet tale about orphans?

2) He’s fallen in love with his cousin.  Okay, maybe he’s not an orphan.  Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he is with his family on Christmas day, and it’s one of those large family gatherings with many distant relatives he only sees once or twice a year.  Against all social conventions, he’s majorly crushed on a cousin.  Let’s make her a distant cousin, several times removed, to lessen the icky factor.  Or perhaps this story takes place in Arkansas.  Either way, he proclaims his love to her cousin, and for a brief moment, she accepts it.

3) He’s a cold-hearted jerk.  He’s not an orphan, and he’s not fallen in love with a cousin.  He does have a family, a sweet mother who did her best to raise him well and who is probably cooking his favourite meal in hopes he does come home for Christmas, but instead he’s skipping the holidays with family in order to pursue a girl he’s only just met, a girl he hasn’t even had a “DTR” with yet.  I feel bad for his poor mother.

So which option is it?  The rest of the chorus gives us clues:  “But the very next day, you gave it away” reads the next line.  This could back up the Cousin Theory; he’s declared his feelings, she has accepted, but wakes up on Boxing Day with some sense and quickly breaks it off with him.

But wait a minute.  “The very next day you gave it away?”  That makes no sense.  See if this follows: Guy gives Girl A his heart.  She now has his heart.  It’s hers.  Picture it like a red heart cut out of paper; she holds it in her hands.

And the very next way, she gives his heart to someone else.  Girl B.  So now, Girl B has his heart.  So Guy now loves Girl B.  He had declared it to Girl A, and now the very next day he’s all “Nope, now I love Girl B” and somehow this is Girl A’s fault? 

This clearly backs up the Jerk Theory.  In fact, listen to the next lines: “This year to save me from tears I’ll give it to somebody special.”  Um…ouch.  So he gave his heart to Girl A last year, but she wasn’t even special?  That’s a low blow, even for this guy.  What a loser.

Now, does the rest of the song confirm the Jerk Theory or even any of the other ideas?  No idea; I haven’t really read the rest of the lyrics, or even heard the whole song.  Figure it out yourselves!  Do you expect me to do everything?  Geez.

Merry Christmas!